A Eulogy to my iPhone 5

You introduced me to the world of Apple, to having a computer in the palm of my hand, assessable at every and any moment that you were needed.  You filed away my memories through your ability to record my photographs, videos, and notes.  Like a victim of Stockholm Syndrome, I came to love you in spite of my fear of you.  You insinuated yourself into my life and took control of my every movement.  Somehow you became both my guardian and my warden.

What would life have been like without you?  What if I could not be in constant reach of my children, husband, and a myriad of friends, relatives, and acquaintances?  What would it have been like to be free?  I cannot remember a time without you, even though you have only been in my life for two years.  Your predecessors, my dumb phones, were able to be in my possession without needing my constant attention.  But you would not have that!  You demanded attention and in return, you gave me peace of mind and a false sense of security.  Without a second thought, you left me in a Bagel shop.  How was I to know that it would be the last time I was to see you?  We enjoyed a nice lunch with my children, then, as the garbage from our leftover meals was piled on to the tray that you lay on, you slipped into the trash can, and out of my life.

If that were not bad enough, you broke your promise to me.  You promised me that I would be able to track you down if you got lost . . . or if I got lost . . .  in this wide cruel world.  But when I turned on you app, "Find My iPhone," I was greeted with the response, "This Device is Offline."  So I am left to imagine your demise.  Perhaps you fell into a pool of discarded soda?  Perhaps you were crushed by a load of stale bagels?  I want you to know that I searched for you in a metal dumpster, in 19 degrees Fahrenheit, on the coldest morning since last winter.  But alas, you could not be found.  I know not your fate, but I must go on.  I have one thing to thank you for, thank you for waiting the full two years so that I am now eligible for an upgrade without penalty.  

Gee, I wonder what the new iPhone can do that you couldn't do?  Can't wait to find out!