The Tin Box: Chapter 2 (Copyright 2011)

 Chapter 2                                          The Tin Box

On Sunday morning, my sisters and I pulled on our best dresses over our slips made of stiff itchy lace and headed for church.  We sat in a pew toward the back and near the aisle so that we could get out quicker at the end of mass.  My mom took out two pieces of Dentyne gum from her pocketbook, popped one in her mouth and asked me if I’d like a piece.  The spicy cinnamon taste bit my tongue as I watched her chew with her freshly painted bright red lips.   The wrinkles in her skin were covered over by tan colored cake makeup that stopped at her chin; her throat below the line of makeup was pale and ghostly by contrast.  I thought that if I were a man, I wouldn't want to kiss a face full of makeup.  It almost seemed to be a layer of protection between my mother and anyone who might try to get close.  A mask, used to hide who she really was from everyone else, including her own children. 

          She wore a real fox stole.  The whole head of the fox was on one end and the tail was on the other.  The glass bead eyes of the fox looked up blindly toward the ceiling of the church.  Angie was showing off her brand new white muff.  She made a show of it so that everyone sitting around us would see how pretty she looked.  Angie looked like a little angel.  Her little heart shaped face featured wide open eyes and a sweet bow of a mouth when she smiled.  By contrast, Mary and I wore somber black veils that blended in to our nearly black hair.  I imagined that we looked like mysterious Spanish Contessas.  Usually, we fought over who would get to wear the white veil, but today it was on Angie’s head because it matched her new muff. 

Overheated bodies pressed up against each other and the sickly sweet odor of sweat mingled with the smell of incense burning at the altar, causing me to feel light headed and a bit sick to my stomach.  Just before mass started, the O’Reilly family filed in.  They had twelve kids and they took up an entire row.  To the astonishment of other parishioners, their mother let them bring books, small toys and candy to church to keep them occupied.  

My attention was drawn to the aisle as the palms were passed out and my sisters and I went to work making crosses out of them.  Of course, Mary’s came out the best.  Angie had some trouble getting hers’ to stay in its form so Mary helped her tie it together. There was a small commotion at the very back of the church, I turned around to look in that direction.  Donny was standing along the wall with his family.  Church was very crowded today on account of it being Palm Sunday.  His great-grandfather, Silas Finster, stood angrily at the end of a pew; his eyebrows pressed down to make a frightening scowl.  A woman seated in the row opposite him, poked her husband and whispered to him.  With that her husband stood up and gave the old man his seat.  Even though the pew was already jammed, the woman moved to her left to leave as much room as possible between herself and the old man. 

          I looked back at Donny and saw that his eyes were shaded and staring at the floor.  His father, who was standing behind him, put his hand on Donny’s shoulder.  His touch made Donny grimace.  It also made him look up briefly and, once again, he caught me watching him.  He made a small smile in an attempt to hide the dark mood that I saw shadowed in his eyes.  The overheated church pressed in on me and my stomach started to churn.  

Masses that had always been spoken in Latin, had, for the past few years, been translated into English.  This was something that my father still disapproved of.  It was difficult for him to accept change.  The priest’s voice droned on, saying mass.  I drifted away into my dreams once again.  I saw a small black bird, trapped in a net.  Its wings beat furiously trying to free itself.  But with each attempt, the net closed more tightly around it.  Tears beaded up at the corners of my eyes.  My mother shook me awake and I felt the headache return again.

After the mass, I followed my parents out of church.  Miss Tandy, an elderly woman who lived on our block, was talking to another of our neighbors, Mrs. Conner, a widow who lived across the street from her.  Mrs. Conner stopped my mother and said, “Did you hear that Lydia Menlo has moved back into her parents’ house?   She’s even brought her family to live there too!  The girl looks to be about the age of your girls.”  She pointed to Mary and me as she shook her head in disapproval. 

My mother looked surprised and asked, “Where has she been all of these years?”  

Miss Tandy explained, “I heard she married a professor that she met in Europe.  Now he's working in New York City, so they decided to move into her old house.”  

 

In a small voice my mother whispered, “Well, it’s been a long time; maybe we’d all be better off forgetting about the past.”  She brushed off the neighborhood gossip.    

My father was about to cross the street and was losing his patience waiting for my mother, he motioned toward her to get moving.  She started walking toward the street, pushing Angie to walk in front of her.  My mother politely waved goodbye to the ladies and wished them both a Happy Easter.

At the corner, across from the church and next to the funeral parlor, there was a candy store where my father bought the Daily News every week after the 10:15 mass.  He was a man of habit that liked to keep to his routines.  We took turns coming with him into the store and today it was my turn.  On the counter was a box of chocolate ice cubes, sweet creamy chocolate blended with hazelnut, my favorite candy!  I might have been able to convince dad to buy me one, but I had given up chocolate for Lent.  One more week until Easter and then I would have all the chocolate I could eat!

 Directly after church, we drove to Brooklyn.  The road that connected my parents’ house to my grandparents’ house was aptly named the Belt Parkway, as it connected the generations of our family and the dysfunction that had been passed down through the years.  The roadway was rough and the car bounced every time it hit a pothole.  Curious about them, I asked, “Daddy, why are there so many potholes on this road?”

Daddy loved to explain the workings of the world to us so he relished the question. “A lot of cars that travel this road and the constant use wears down the surface.  Then during the winter, snowplows sometime break up the road and the salt that’s laid down eats at it and weakens the road even more.  It’s expensive and takes a lot of time to repave the whole road.  So, instead, the city just patches the potholes every year.  Since the filling is really only a temporary fix, the potholes tend to reopen again and again.  Until they decide to do it properly, and take the time to repave the whole road, they’ll just have to keep on refilling the holes.”

I thought about what an inconvenience it would be if they ever decided to shut down the whole road to repair it correctly.  It probably took a lot less downtime to just keep on refilling the potholes, but I also realized that if they just took the time to do it right, once, they’d be saving themselves, and us, a lot of grief.  I guessed potholes were just something people learned to live with, as long as they could still get to where they were going.  

          The bumper-to-bumper traffic was slow going.  Since I had the privilege of going with my dad to buy the newspaper, I had agreed to sit in the middle seat.  Now, I tried to keep my mind occupied so that I wouldn't think about the hot hump in the center of the car floor.  It burned through the bottom of my patent leather shoes and if I moved my feet to the side, it would scorch my ankles as they rested against it.  So I tried to hold my feet stiff on the top of the hump, lifting them occasionally to gain a short respite from the heat.  My head still ached and the smell of gas that always lingered in the car was making me feel sick.  One look at me, and both of my sisters opened their windows wider. 

          Last night, my sisters and I had gathered around the colored television to watch the annual showing of  “The Wizard of Oz.”  I don’t think I even realized that we were watching it in black and white until Dorothy opened the door and all the color of Munchkinland flooded in.  Colored televisions had come a long way since the one that Martha’s family had owned.  Our new T.V. didn't have the rainbow of colors around the edges like hers did.  I knew that television technology must have improved in the past few years and that this was supposed to be an improvement, but I thought it was a shame that they had gotten rid of the rainbows. 

“Did you hear that they are postponing opening day?” my dad asked.   “I guess maybe they’re afraid to have too many people gathered together right now.”  Over the past week there had been constant coverage of the riots happening all over America following the assassination of Rev. Martin Luther King on April 4^th.  With the Reverend’s life cut short, there were a lot of angry people out there.

My dad was not happy that the baseball season was being postponed because of the assassination.   He was a big Yankee fan and had waited all winter for baseball to start again.  Sunday afternoon meant Yankee games and Ballentine beer.  Once in a while, on a hot summer day, he would let me have a sip of his beer.   I didn't really like the taste, but the cold liquid felt good going down my throat.  Sometimes he would roll out the small black and white T.V. into the screened-in patio for us to watch.  The occasional breeze would cool the sweat that drizzled down our back of our necks.  Summers on Long Island were hot and humid, but summer was still a while away; April was just getting started.

“It’s not like he was the President or anything.”  My father shook his head.  “What is this world coming to?”

          We exited the parkway at Bay 8^th Street and headed down the local roads to my grandparents’ house.  I loved to look at the Italian pork stores, little groceries, and bakeries along the way.  When I saw them, I could imagine what it was like in Italy.  I realized that I didn't know that much about my family history and decided that maybe it was time that I asked some questions.   

We drove past the house with the big concrete flowerpots at the base of the front steps.  We had to circle the block a few times to find a parking spot.  There was a long driveway to the left of the house that led to the garage, but for some reason, no one ever parked in it.  In the hot summer months, we had our family dinners in the garage.  Fresh vegetables came from the garden next to the garage. The little garden had a small white picket fence surrounding it and a path of flat stones, winding through the summer vegetables, tomatoes, peppers, cucumbers, eggplant, and squash.  In the center of the garden was a fig tree.  Years ago, my grandmother had brought a sprig of the tree from her parent's house in the old country and planted it here in New York.  Its mother tree was still probably standing in a garden somewhere in Sicily. 

          The front door was rarely used, instead, we walked down the driveway to the side door and climbed the stairs.  I could smell the mingled aromas of fresh coffee brewing and the sauce cooking on the stove.  My grandmother’s voice, with her thick Sicilian accent, greeted us as we opened the door from the hallway stairs, “Com’a in, Com’a in. Put’a your coats on’a d’bed.” 

We kissed our grandparents, aunts and uncles as we walked through the kitchen to the bedroom and then added our coats to a pile that smelled like mothballs.  Next, we headed for the front porch.  Some of our cousins were already in there watching my Uncle Lou put quarters in his mouth and then, miraculously, taking them out of his ear a second later.  Sometimes he folded his cigarette backward into his mouth with his tongue and then pulled the cigarette out of one of our ears, still lit! 

My grandfather had shuffled from the kitchen and now sat in his rocking chair in the corner reading his Italian newspaper.  He reached in his pocket and pulled out a silver snuffbox.  He clicked it open and, with his thumb and pointer finger, he grabbed a little snuff and placed it to his nose and breathed in.  Although he had been in this country since he was a young man, Grandpa spoke very little English.  Grandpa was what the adults called “senile.”  One time, a few years ago, my cousin Denise and I asked him if he knew who we were and if he knew how old we were.  We were shocked out of our shoes when he said our names and told us that we were eleven.  That’s when I started wondering if he was as senile as everyone thought he was. 

          My cousin Denise was the only child of my Aunt Mary and Uncle Lou.  She was fourteen and they lived upstairs in an apartment at the top of my grandparent’s house.  Although they had had their share of trials and sorrows, they were the most loving parents that I knew.  They would do anything for Denise and no matter what trouble Denise got into, they always seemed to look the other way.  I wondered if my life would have been different if they had been my parents.  My Aunt Mary worked in a factory in New York City.  Sometimes she brought home costume jewelry or a nifty new utensil to use in the kitchen; but best of all, sometimes she brought home small toys.  Today Aunt Mary had brought yo-yo's for all of us and we each took one from a dog-eared box upon entering the porch.  We spent much of the afternoon playing with our yo-yo's and trying to accomplish tricks.  My cousin, Georgie, was really good at it and took every opportunity to show off.  Georgie was Uncle Giorgio and Aunt Teresa’s son.  He was thirteen and Denise and I tried to avoid him as much as possible. 

          “Dinner’s a’ready,” my grandmother called.  Sunday dinner was held around this huge mahogany dining room table.  Sometimes there would be a kids’ table set up in the living room.  But today it was just my Aunt Mary’s family, my Uncle Giorgio’s family, my Uncle Tommy, my grandparents and us, so we could all fit together at the big table.

After the anti-pasta and the macaroni, meatballs, sausage, pigskin, and braciole, we were all filled to our eyeballs. The girls and women around the table stood up to clear the table while the men and boys sat back in their chairs and loosened their belts in preparation for the next course.  Everyone knew that you should never serve just one type of meat to an Italian family, someone might not like it and, after all, you didn’t want people to go home hungry. 

After clearing the table, I sat back down and waited for my grandmother and aunts to bring in the meat.  I heard my father say, “The neighborhood is changing.  Mom and dad should move.” 

Uncle Giorgio replied, “You’ll never get them to move again.” 

“Sooner or later, they’re going to have to move.”  My father replied.

Curious about the past, I asked, “Did you live in this house when you were children?”

 

Uncle Giorgio said, “No, Grandma and Grandpa didn’t move here until 1952.  By then Uncle Tom and I were the only ones left at home.  But even we were old enough to work and everyone chipped in to buy this house.”

My father added, “When we were small we moved from one tenement to another, we never stayed anywhere for more than a couple of years.  Life was tough during the Depression.”  A look of despondence settled on his face.

 Aunt Mary walked in from the kitchen, “When we were just children,” she said, “your Uncle Joe and your father used to shine shoes for pennies.  Everyone did what they could to help put food on the table.”  She smiled at a memory, “And then there was your father’s voice.  He was always singing.  He would sing on the corner and people would put money in his cap just to listen to him sing!”

My  father smiled.  “One time I was on an amateur hour on the radio and I won first prize.  It was $25!  It was supposed to be for singing lessons.”  He whistled.  “That was during the Depression."  He shook his head sadly, "That was a lot of money in those days.”

My grandmother brought in the pork and said, “They told’a him he should’a take da voice’a lessons, but we need’a da money.”  She placed the heavy tray on the table and wiped the kitchen towel over her face that was wet with sweat, and what looked like tears.

My father said, “So I gave mama the $25 dollars and that was the end of my singing career.  Instead I got a job digging ditches where they had begun construction on LaGuardia Airport.”

          My grandfather got up and started pacing back and forth, back and forth.  My grandmother yelled at him in Italian, “Siedo qui!”  Telling him to sit down.  He was agitated and he argued with her in Italian, he grabbed his hat and his cane and started walking toward the kitchen.  This caused a slight disruption until my father and uncles could get my grandfather to sit back down again at the table. 

My father interpreted for him, “He wants to take a walk!” 

“Where’s he going to go?”  Uncle Giorgio asked.

          “I donn’a know?  He always want to’a take’a walk’a.  He’s’a got’a ants’a in his pants’a.”  My grandmother explained.    

The table settled back down to the business of eating and my father started telling a story.  “When we were little, six of us boys had to sleep in the same bed.  Tommy was a baby, so he slept in the top drawer of the dresser.  Grandpa made us sleep with our bare feet sticking out past the end of the blanket so that when he came home from work he could inspect them.  If they were dirty, he’d smack the souls of our feet with his cane!  What a way to wake up!”  Then he joked, “It’s amazing that your Uncle Giorgio can still walk!”  Everyone started laughing. 

Aunt Mary walked back into the room with stuffed artichokes.  “It was really hard during the depression for papa to get any work.  Even if there was a job available, there were often signs on the shop doors that said, ‘Negros and Italians Need Not Apply.’” 

“Why did they come to America?” asked Mary. 

My aunt replied, “When papa lived in Italy he was like a professor of music, they used to call him ‘maestro,’ that means, ‘teacher.’  He married nana there; she was much younger than him.  Everyone told him that in America the streets were lined with gold.  In Italy, times were hard.  No one had money to pay a teacher.  His mother was a widow and lived with one of his older sisters who had never married.  He was responsible for their welfare and for that of his new wife.  So he decided to try to make a better life in America.  He gave his mother all the money he had and left his young wife with her as he joined the crew of a passenger ship working in the boiler room.  This way, he did not have to pay for his passage.  He was planning all the time to jump ship when it docked in New York harbor.”

My sister Mary gasped, “You mean Grandpa came here illegally!” 

Nana waved her hand in dismissal and said, “That’a was’a long’a time ago.”   Then to her daughter she said, “What you have’a to tell them’a that’a for?”  Her fingers flipped under her chin in a gesture that showed she was not happy with my aunt.

Ignoring her, Aunt Mary continued anyway, “Working in the bowels of the ship was long, hard, dirty work.  The boiler rooms were terribly hot, the living quarters were cramped, and the food was meager.  The trip to America was cruel and backbreaking for papa, but he came to America to find a better life.”  She looked sadly at the old man sitting at the head of the table; he seemed oblivious to our conversation as he gazed off unfocused on anything in the room.  She shook her head, “Once here, he did odd jobs.  He was most often a tailor or a shoemaker.  He sent for his wife and, as the years past, he had a wife and seven children to support.  It was a struggle to keep the family going.” 

“And he still’a had’a to send’a da money to his’a mama in Italy!” Grandma said a bit angrily.

Uncle Tommy asked, “Wasn’t there a story about boys throwing rocks at papa?”

My father sighed, “One day, papa was walking home from work and some boys blocked his way.  Teenagers, hoodlums.”  He explained.  “One of them picked up a rock and threw it at him.  The other boys picked up rocks too, threw rocks and yelled at him, saying ‘Go home, Dago!’ No one wanted the Italians here.”

There was a long silence that followed.  Although I had heard some of these stories before, for the first time I thought about how difficult it must have been to grow up under these conditions and started to see my father in a new light.  I knew his father hadn't been the most loving man, but I hadn't realized how difficult life was back then.  Life had been hard for him.  As difficult as my own childhood seemed to me, it appeared that it was better than the one my father had known. 

          Other than my Uncle Giorgio and my father, there were five other brothers, Joseph, Nick, John, Angelo and Tommy.  I had never met Uncle Nick.  There had been some fight between him and my grandparents long ago and no one ever spoke of him anymore.  I knew that he had two little girls who were my first cousins, but I had never met either of them.  And my Uncle Angelo had died when I was little.  I only had a few memories of him. 

Uncle John and his wife, Lucia, had a daughter, Gina, and a son, Johnny, who was very “active.”  Johnny’s nose was always running and it was hard for him to sit still anywhere for long.  My cousin Georgie teased him and called him “retarded.”  Gina was a year younger than me and when we spent time together we really had a lot of fun.  But I didn’t get to see her very often.  I think her parents didn’t always come to family events because Johnny was so unpredictable and difficult to control and this annoyed grandma who didn't have a problem blaming them for Johnny's actions.  

Uncle Joe was the oldest of my father’s brothers, and he and his wife, Amelia, who was not Italian, had three children, Frankie, Sal, and Lucy.  Frankie was married now and had a baby of his own.  Sal was away in the Navy and Lucy worked in New York City as a secretary. 

My Uncle Tommy was still a bachelor and lived at home with my grandparents.

          We ate the main course and I marveled at how my grandmother could gnaw at the meat with most of her teeth gone.  When dessert was served, out came the coffee, pastries, pies, cakes, cookies, and anisette cookies and biscotti.  Nana liked dunking the anisette cookies in her black coffee.  Dad’s favorite was the seeded cookies.  Personally, I loved the cannoli! 

After dessert, Denise and I took a walk around the block to work off all that food.  I remembered when Denise, Gina, and I were about five years old, we used to make believe we were cooking dinner by putting leaves in a bowl and mixing them together with a spoon.  Uncle Angelo would play along with us and make believe that he enjoyed the dinner we had prepared for him.  He had been in France during World War II and had never married.  Like my father, he loved to sing.  But he would always have difficulty breathing and get into coughing fits that scared me.  One of his favorite songs was, “Alouette.” 

Alouette, gentile Alouette,

Alouette je te plumerai, . . .

The song had sounded so beautiful when he sang it.  But after he died I found out that the song was about plucking the feathers off of a lark that was about to become someone’s supper. 

         

          Denise sometimes spent a week in the summer at my house or I might spend a week upstairs in her apartment at my grandparents’ house.  We were really close when we were little, but as we became teenagers, we had grown apart.  She had trouble at school and her parents were recently forced to move her into a new school. 

 

           I looked at my cousin and wondered how things had changed so much between us.  I missed the old days when conversations between us had come so naturally.  “So, how’s school going?” I asked.  

 

“There’s this one guy that almost makes spending time in school worthwhile.  He’s a bit older than the rest of us and he has a really groovy car.”  She took out a cigarette and started to light it.  I tripped on a crack in the sidewalk. 

 

“Would you like one?” she asked. 

 

“Um, no.” was all I managed to say. 

 

She laughed at me and said, “You know, it really doesn’t stunt your growth.” 

 

We walked on in silence and I watched her puff on the cigarette.  I wondered how she could have forgotten how Uncle Angelo had struggled for each breath before he died of tuberculosis. She and I had even made a pact at his funeral that we would never smoke.  Time even changed promises.

 

Denise asked me if there were any guys that I liked.  I thought of Donny and I could feel butterflies in my stomach but I just said, “No, no one special.”   Donny was a conundrum.  Conundrum was one of my vocabulary words.  It meant “a problem with no satisfactory solution.”  There was a dark side to him that both fascinated me and frightened me. 

 

After she finished puffing on the cigarette, she threw it on the sidewalk and stepped on it.  Then she took a small piece of paper out of her pocket and started to chew it.  She explained, “It gets rid of the smell of smoke in your mouth.”  I didn’t believe that a little piece of paper could do that, but when we got back to my grandparent’s house, no one seemed to smell the smoke. 

 

          That night as we headed home on the Belt Parkway and I watched the streetlights glare off the window, I wondered about how times changed.  About how something could be so important to someone at one point in time and yet at another, it could seem childish and insignificant to the same person.  I thought about the conversation that my mother had had with the neighbors earlier at church.  Angie had fallen asleep so I whispered to Mary, “Do you know who Lydia Menlo is?”  “No, I have no idea but it sounds like a bit of a mystery doesn’t it?” 

 

From the back seat I tapped my mother on the shoulder, “Mom, who’s Lydia Menlo?” 

 

“Well, you know the big house next to Miss Tandy’s house?” 

 

“Yes.”  I pictured the old run down Victorian with the overgrown front yard.

 

My mother lowered her voice when she noticed that Angie was asleep, “Lydia grew up in that house.  But when she was about your age, her mother committed suicide.  They say she drank tea laced with poison.  It was Lydia who found her mother’s body when she came home from school.  We didn’t move into the neighborhood until years later.  By then, Lydia and her father had moved away and the house was closed up and left to rot.  But the story of her mother’s suicide is something people still whisper about.   I guess Miss Tandy and Mrs. Conner are surprised that Lydia decided to move back into a house with such bad memories and when it’s in need of so much repair.” 

 

 Miss Tandy was a kind old lady who was also known as the “magazine lady.”  She subscribed to every magazine you could imagine.  Every time I needed to cut out pictures or articles for school, my mother would send me down to Miss Tandy’s house for magazines.  She kept piles of them and newspapers on her porch and she told us that anytime we needed some, we could just come in and take them. 

 

Lydia Menlo’s old Victorian house seemed to hold a lot of secrets.  My whole life, I heard stories that there were ghosts walking about in that empty house.  Some people actually claimed to have seen lights turn on and off in the middle of the night. Which was crazy since everyone knew that the electric wasn't even on in the house.  My father’s car swerved to avoid a pothole and a shiver ran down my spine.

 

I thought about how life was like a road and how sometimes along the way, potholes opened up.  I guessed you had to learn to either fill those potholes or navigate around them.  If you didn't, you’d keep falling in and never get anywhere.  

 

Lydia Menlo and her family intrigued me.  I had a feeling there was more to the story then my mother was telling me.  I decided to find out more about them and the tragedy that had taken place in the old house. 

 

 

 

 

The Tin Box: Chapter 1 (Copyright 2011)

    Chapter 1                                       

The Tin Box

                                                            1968

The March winds blew and searched for a way to invade the room. I huddled under the covers as the windows shuttered against the continuous assault from outside. Within the house, I could hear muffled sounds as my mother prepared my father’s lunch in the kitchen.  The clank of his metal lunchbox resounded on the counter along with the music that drifted upstairs from the kitchen radio.  My father turned off the bathroom faucet and the steps creaked beneath him on his way down to the kitchen.  Their hushed voices floated through the hallway and permeated my bedroom door.  The warm tones of my father’s voice mixed with the lighter, higher pitch of my mother’s.  I have heard it said that my father had the voice of a “crooner;” and it is true that when he sang, his voice could be warm and comforting.  But when he was angry, that same voice could paralyze us with fear. 

My parents were discussing the arrival of our new television set.  The excitement in our house had been building over the past few days after my father had gone to the local appliance store and purchased our family’s first color TV.  The first time I had ever seen one, was at Marcie’s house.  Marcie’s parents owned a profitable dairy business, so they were able to afford all of the latest gadgets. They even had a side-by-side refrigerator with a built-in ice-maker!  Although Marcie and her family had moved to California two years ago, her color TV would forever remain an object of wonder in my mind.  While the picture itself was full of color, it was the edges of the screen that captivated me.  There seemed to be a rainbow of colors compressed into a halo, framing the moving images within.  I was so fascinated by those colors that I had to quell the urge to touch the screen to see I could feel the rainbow with my fingertips.   

          “Girls,” my mother’s voice called from the kitchen, “it’s time for breakfast.”

 I pulled myself out of bed and looked over at Angie’s side of the room.  It was as if an imaginary line had been drawn down the middle of the floor.  Her side was perfect, everything in its place.  My side looked like a small explosion had thrown clothes, paper, pencils, crayons, and stuffed animals in every direction.  I stepped off of the bed and pushed everything aside, making a path among the chaos.   I opened my dresser drawers and tried to find something to wear among the disheveled clothes while Angie jumped out of bed, grabbed her neatly folded clothes, and ran into the bathroom.  I was still trying to get my things together ten minutes later when Angie reappeared at the bedroom door and said, “Juliana, you’d better hurry or you’re gonna be late again.”  Angie’s smile revealed that her motive wasn’t completely sympathetic.  At the ripe old age of nine, she had learned to always be the “good” child.  She skipped downstairs to the breakfast table and I rushed toward the bathroom, nearly colliding with my older sister, Mary, as she came down the stairs from the attic bedroom. 

“Queen Mary,” as I called her, had her own room because she was two years older than me.  Just two years, think about it!  If I had been born first, she would be sharing the room with Angie!  Mary was a junior in high school and one of the smartest people I knew.  I peeked out of the door and saw her pause for a moment in front of Joe’s empty room before continuing down to the kitchen.  I swallowed to keep the tears from seeping past my eyes and walked into the bathroom.  Fifteen minutes later, I joined my sisters at the breakfast table.

          My father was just reaching for his coat and lunchbox as I sat down to breakfast.  He kissed each of us goodbye, his clean shaven face was soft and smelled like Old Spice.  When he came home from work he would kiss each of us again, but his five o’clock shadow would then scrape against our cheeks like sandpaper against silk.   Now, as he walked down the stairs toward the garage he called back up to us, “See you later alligator!”  My sisters and I replied with a giggle, “In a while crocodile.”  This was our routine every morning.  

         The breakfast table had been set with three bowls, a gallon of milk, a small bowl of sugar, one box of Rice Krispies and one box of Cornflakes.  I poured the Rice Krispies into my bowl and sprinkled some sugar over it.  Next I poured the milk over the cereal and bent low trying to listen for the “snap, crackle, pop!” that the commercials promised.  On the radio a woman was singing, “Winston tastes good like a –bump, bump- cigarette should.”   My mother danced around the kitchen and tried her best to sing along.  She wasn’t very good at it, but I still liked to hear her sing.  I sat back in my chair and smiled, it was so nice to see her happy.  For a brief moment my family seemed almost . . . normal.  Above the radio on the wall was a sign that read, “Don’t cry over spilt milk.”  I don’t know why that was in our house, because if you had spilt the milk, you were bound to be crying.  My father didn't like messes.   By its side was another sign, “A man’s home is his castle,” a reminder to keep the peace.  My muscles automatically tensed and I scooped up a spoonful of cereal and gulped it down.

          The news announcer came on next and everyone stopped eating for a minute.  “Tuesday, March 19, 1968.  In the news today, Robert F. Kennedy, who announced this past weekend that he intends to join the race for President of the United States, made it clear that he has concerns about President Johnson’s decision to send 35,000 to 50,000 more troops to Vietnam . . .”

We waited to hear the latest tally of dead in the war.  It always seemed to indicate huge losses for the North Vietnamese while the U.S. casualties remained minimal.   It made me think about old western movies.  Once I had been upset when the Indians in an old movie were slaughtered by the cowboys.  My father told me that the actors who played the Indians would just keep getting up, run behind the cameras, and when they came back in front of the cameras, they would fall again.  It was just a trick.  Things weren't always how they seemed.  I kind of felt like the Vietnam War was like that.  According to the news reports, the North Vietnamese seemed to be losing and the United States soldiers were winning.  But I didn't quite believe them. 

Even though Vietnam was so far away, it was real to me.  My brother, Joe, was in the army and he had been in Vietnam for over a year already.  That’s why it got so quiet at the kitchen table.  I wondered now why President Johnson wanted to send over more soldiers if it was true that we were winning the war.  I was glad when the news ended and The Fifth Dimension started singing their new hit, “Up, up and away in my beautiful balloon!”  

For a moment, I stared at my cereal.  The milk slowly dissolved the Rice Krispies until they became soft and bloated.  I touched my head as the pain returned once again.  “Another headache, honey?” my mother asked.  Thinking back to the night before, images came and went from the dream.  The overwhelming feeling of loss crept up into my throat and almost suffocated me.  These headaches had a habit of following those dreams.  Those dreams that seemed more like warnings or, perhaps, memories than actual dreams.  My mother handed me some Aspergum and I popped the chewy medicine in my mouth as I cleared my cereal from the table, no longer feeling hungry. 

We put on our coats and hats.  My mother always insisted that we wear our hats, but I knew that as soon as Mary was out of sight, she would take hers off.   Mary thought she was too cool to wear a hat.  She turned right to walk north toward the high school bus stop and Angie and I turned left.  Once we were around the corner, Angie and I also separated, she walked east toward the elementary school and I continued south toward the junior high.  As I approached the school, I looked out over the bay and watched the seagulls.  The school sat on filled-in swampland.  The bay stretched out south and as far west and east as I could see.  I glanced nervously in all three directions and scanned the skies.  Then I surveyed the new park that was in the process of being constructed across the street from the school.  The park was still a long way from being finished.  Tractors had moved around piles of sand and dirt, and the once beautiful marshlands, now had a scarred look about them.   When I was younger, I had liked to walk along the shore of the bay, behind the sand dunes, hidden from the world.  Occasionally, when the tractors were silent, I still found peace there.  I had a place along the beach, it was my secret place, where I would sit and just think about things.  I worried about how long it would be kept secret once the park was finished.  But then again, I worried about a lot of things.

Harbor Junior High had a bomb shelter built into the basement.  Once a year, the teachers would take us down into the shelter, to see where we would hide if the Russians launched missiles against New York.  Of course, they didn't actually say that, but we all knew what they were thinking.  Sweet lemon drop candies were stored there in case we had to survive for some time without food.  However, we were given lemon drops whenever they brought us down.  I know this was supposed to make the shelter seem less scary, but this made me worry that there wouldn't be any candy left if we really needed it.  Another thing that worried me was that if the Russians dropped a bomb on Long Island, how safe would I be in a bomb shelter that was constructed on filled-in swampland with the bay just a few feet away?  Well, I guess I’d be safer then Angie at the elementary school.   There, if they had an air-raid drill, all they did was walk into the hall, face the wall, and put their hands over their heads and hope that the bomb didn't drop through the ceiling.  The fear I shared with every child of the Cold War was very real to me.  I had this image in my head of a control room behind a red iron curtain where a man stood poised over an electronic panel.  Beneath his fingers, laid a red button and at any moment he could push that button and missiles would be launched against the United States.  I took another long glance at the sky over the bay.  I was reassured to find that the sky was still empty of Russian missiles. 

My friend, Heather, was waiting for me by the bicycle rack.  She had a spirit that defied her lot in life.  Heather and I had one thing in common that had made us best friends since kindergarten, we were the smallest girls in our grade.  Small and petite, we watched as the other girls grew taller. Fortifying our friendship, we protected each other from feeling left behind.  Our height was, however, where the physical similarities ended, her hair was as blond as mine was dark, her eyes were round and blue while mine were almond shaped and brown.  And today, her blue eyes were rimmed with red. 

          The bell rang and we made our way through the crowd to our lockers. Grabbing her arm and pulling her close, I jumped right in, “What’s going on with you?”  Heather looked like she was afraid that if she opened her mouth she might start crying right there in the middle of the hallway.  She clenched her jaw shut and just shook her head, miserably.

“You want to wait and talk at lunch?”

She shook her head yes and I squeezed her hand before we parted to head toward our separate homerooms.  As I walked away from her, I kept turning around to check on her.  I was almost afraid to find out what her latest crisis was.  Heather’s dad had left when she was little.  She and her mom had lived with her grandmother for a while; but when that got to be “too much” (those were the words that her grandmother had used) they spent the following years moving from one rented house in the neighborhood, to another.  Her grandmother had died last year and now all she had was her mom.  Her mom must have inherited a little money from her grandmother, but if she did, it hadn’t seemed to make any difference in Heather’s life.  Except that maybe her mother had more money to buy booze with. 

My homeroom was at the end of the hall and it was for the kids with names at the end of the alphabet.  I hated being last because I was always put in the back where I was made to feel like a leftover.  This was especially a problem because of my height.  I would inevitably end up sitting at the back of a classroom with towering classmates sitting in front of me, totally blocking my view of the blackboard!  I promised myself that when I got married, I would marry someone whose name began with a letter at the beginning of the alphabet.  The teacher called my name for attendance, “Juliana Ventura?”  “Here.” I replied from somewhere in the depths of the classroom, beyond the sea of heads.  My teacher had to take a few steps to the right so that she could see my raised hand, then she checked off my name in her little book.

I had a hard time concentrating in my morning classes because I kept thinking about Heather.  When it was time for lunch I raced down to the cafeteria to meet her.  She looked a little better than she had in the morning, but she still seemed pale. 

I gently coaxed her, “Do you feel like talking?” 

In a barely audible voice, Heather mumbled, “My mom didn’t come home last night.”  This was not the first time that this had happened, so I didn’t understand why she continued to get so upset every time that it did. 

“Okay, but she’s probably there now.  Maybe she just had to work late or something,” I reasoned.

Heather just stared at her lunch while I took a bite of my apple butter sandwich. “I’m sure she’ll be back by the time you get home,” I said with more conviction.  Heather’s eyes still didn’t leave her sandwich. 

“Hey,” I tried to change the subject.  “Did I tell you we’re getting a colored television set today?” 

“That’s cool,” she said rather flatly.

“Maybe you can come over this weekend and watch it with me?”

“Yeah, I guess.”  

My heart went out to her and I wanted so much to make everything better, but I just didn’t know how.   I thought about how horrible it would be to have an alcoholic parent.  At my house, the alcohol was in one of our living room end tables.  The bottles had been in there for at least ten years.  The only time they were taken out was on New Year’s Eve when my parents made whiskey sours, highballs, or screwdrivers.

 “Wait for me after school and I’ll walk home with you,”

“Thanks, Julie.  You’re the best friend, ever!”

But I didn’t feel like I was the best friend ever.  I mean, really, what could I possibly do to help her?  After all, her life was a mess, and mine wasn’t much better. 

As I went through the rest of the day, I tried to think happier thoughts. I kept wondering if the new television set had been delivered yet.  It was going to replace our old television that was built into a wood cabinet, my mom called it blonde wood, in the downstairs recreation room.  You had to open the doors to see the TV screen.  We also had a small black and white television set in our upstairs living room with rabbit ear antennas.  The downstairs TV didn’t need rabbit ears because it was hooked up to an antenna on our roof.  The small black and white would be brought up to our bedrooms when we were really sick.  Like the time all three of us girls got the chicken pox.  First Mary got sick and the doctor came to give the rest of us shots.  I remember running away from the doctor, but I finally got caught and he put me over his knee.  But the shot didn’t help.  I got the chicken pox anyway. 

My last class was social studies and Donny DeLaney sat in the back of the room.  He rarely took off his black leather jacket.  Although he was the star of the wrestling team, he was a loner and didn’t seem to have any real friends.  The guys were afraid of him, but behind his back they made fun of him.   His great grandfather, Old Man Finster, was infamous in our town.  There were stories that he had murdered people with axes and kept their bodies buried in his yard.  The old man’s son, Sam, had had a reputation for being a tough angry young man and he had left his own legacy of terror before dying in a bar fight.  Sam’s daughter, Margaret, Donny's mother, found out she was pregnant while still in high school.  Margaret’s grandfather forced her to marry the baby’s father, Trevor DeLaney, and, as the story goes, in doing so, she had traded one prison for another. 

Trevor had been the high school wrestling champion and his old wrestling trophies and photos still lined the showcases in the gym’s hallway.   It was obvious from the photos that he had been a handsome young man, but his eyes were as cold as stone.  It gave me the creeps just to look at those pictures.  These days, people just assumed that Donny was just like his father, so they steered clear of him.  But it seemed to me that he had never actually done anything to earn that reputation, except that he had been born into the Finster/DeLaney family. 

Sometimes, Donny would look across the room at me and catch me staring at him.  His dark brooding eyes were a deep warm blue, so unlike his father’s, but still, they seemed haunted.  For an unguarded moment they would look at me with this puzzled expression.  Then his eyelids would close like shades and when they opened the expression would be gone.  It was as if the real Donny was hiding behind this persona that everyone else had given him.  Those eyes held a million questions in them and sometimes I felt like he thought I had the answers.  This made me feel uneasy.  Today was no different and as Social Studies class was over and the bell rang, I ran for my locker.

Heather was just coming out of the girls’ bathroom so I waited for her to get her jacket.  She was so quiet on the walk home that we may as well have been in a funeral procession.   When we finally reached her house, I was glad to see her mom’s car parked in the driveway.  Heather’s face lit up with relief but she hesitated at the front door.  “Julie, would you come in with me?” 

 I looked down at my watch, hesitantly, “Uh, sure.”  I held her hand as we both walked through the front door.  She had only lived at this house for a couple of months and I had never been inside it before.  One of my father’s rules was that I had to come straight home from school.  I really wasn’t allowed to socialize during the school year and this was a hard rule for me to follow.  Sometimes, his rules made it difficult for me to have friends.  Heather seemed to be the only one who understood.  In the summer months, I had a bit more freedom, but the summer seemed a long way away as our breaths crystallized in the cold afternoon air.  

 In addition to rules, my father had a lot of prejudices, so he didn’t like me being friends with anyone who was different.  Once, when I was eight, I asked if I could join the Pioneer Girls.  My father had exploded, “That’s run by Lutherans!”  The way he went on about Lutherans after that made it clear that he thought they were a mind-controlling cult bent on stealing me away from the Catholic Church.  I never asked again. 

As I entered Heather’s house I reminded myself to make this quick.  The house was dark and musty and if it hadn't been for the light that poured in through the open front door, I might have fallen right into the gaping hole in her living room floor.   Heather let go of my hand and walked around it and up the stairs to her mom’s bedroom.  I wasn't sure if I should follow or not, so I just stood there staring at the hole.  I inched closer and peered into the darkness over the edge and down into the basement below.  I shivered, stepped back and closed the front door.  But the inside of the house wasn't much warmer than outside.  I wrapped my arms around my body to slow down the shaking.  I could still see my breath form in the air.  I carefully walked around the hole, sat down on her couch and waited for my eyes to adjust to the dark room.  The room was gloomy and sparse of furniture.  Dust had gathered in every corner and the floor had long ago lost its varnish.  Scratches appeared where furniture had been scraped along the surface.  I was wondering if any furniture had fallen to the basement below through the hole, when I heard a sound and looked up.

Heather slowly came back down the stairs.  Her small body shaking so hard I was afraid she’d fall.  When she reached the bottom step her anger flashed, “She’s so drunk I can’t even wake her!  She’s just snoring away in her bed and her room reeks of gin!”  Heather’s anger and frustration were bordering on becoming hysterical.  I looked at my watch, it was already after four.  I knew that I needed to get going but I couldn't just leave Heather like this. 

I took charge and led her to the kitchen, “Let’s get something to eat.”   In Italian families, you learn that food is comfort.  We opened the cupboard but there wasn't a whole lot there.  We did, however, find a box of chocolate cake mix.  Next I checked the refrigerator; there were eggs and milk so I placed all of the items on the kitchen table.  “Let’s make chocolate cake!  It always makes me feel better!” I tried to ignore the little voice in my head that was saying, “Go home, Julie,” as we mixed the cake.  I tried to think of an excuse I could tell my mom.  Maybe I could say that I had stayed at school for extra help.  As long as it didn’t take too long, I’d be okay. 

When we put the mixer on high speed, cake mix flew everywhere in the kitchen.  By the time we had the cake in the oven, we were laughing so hard that our sides ached.  We turned on her kitchen radio and sang along with the Foundations to “Build me up Buttercup.”  We danced around the kitchen and checked the cake every few minutes, opening the door to the oven to see if the cake was done.  About an hour later we were finally sitting at her kitchen table each with a giant piece (although a bit flat) of chocolate cake and a glass of milk.  To me, there was nothing like warm, just out-of-the-oven, chocolate cake.  I always ate the bottom and saved the top for last, because the top was my favorite part.  It was hard not to stuff it all in my mouth at once because it just smelled and tasted so good.  But I had learned that if you take your time and eat it slowly, it’s so much more satisfying. 

“So is Donny DeLaney still staring at you in class?”  Heather asked with a giggle.  I was glad to see that Heather was thinking about something other than her mom, but I wasn’t too sure I liked this subject either.

I took a deep breath, “Yeah.”

“So, are you going to do anything about it?”

“Like what?’

“I don’t know.  Do you want me to ask him if he likes you?”

“No!”

“Oh, okay, I won’t.  But one of you has just got to do something or I’m going to get involved.”

“Don’t you dare!”   I grabbed a piece of cake and threw it at her!

“Hey!” She grabbed a piece and threw it at me and it landed in my hair. 

When we were finally finished with our food fight, we both felt a lot better.  That is until I noticed the time, it was almost six o’clock! 

          “Sorry Heather, but I've got to get going.”

          “Don’t worry, I’ll clean it up.”  Suddenly the concern in the room shifted from her to me.

At my house, we ate dinner every night at five o’clock sharp.  My father got home at a quarter to five and we all sat together to eat dinner as a family.  My father sat in his seat with his belt slung over his lap.  We never ate out or ordered in.  My mother cooked all of our meals and she cooked them the way my father liked them.  Not too much garlic, no rice, and no broccoli.  As I walked past the hole in Heather’s living room again, I got a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.  

Like a condemned man walking to the electric chair I walked home as slowly as I could.  After all, I was already late.  Maybe if I delayed my arrival long enough I would come up with an excuse that he would accept.  About a block from my house, I saw him walking toward me.  He didn't say a word.  His face was set in stone when he grabbed my arm and just about dragged me home.  All my excuses died on my tongue before even getting a chance to seep through my clenched teeth.  The house was silent, although I could see that everyone was still in the kitchen.  The dinner sat cold on the table between them.  My mother and sisters sat there quietly, as I was pushed up the stairs.  In my room my dad took off his belt. I knew what was coming next.  His eyes were glazed with anger.  Usually, when he punished me, he’d hit me with the belt a few times.  But this time he just couldn't get the anger out of him.  So he just kept hitting.  When he finally stopped, I could hear crying. Then I realized, through my own tears, that he was crying too.  His voice cracked as he said, “Don’t you ever do that again!”  He turned away from me and went downstairs, back to his dinner. 

 Later that night, after my mother had spread Mercurochrome on the fresh cuts across my back, I lay on my stomach in bed on top of the cool sheets.  I listened as my family gathered downstairs in the recreation room around the new color TV.  And in the darkness of my room, I tried to imagine the colors that were surely outlining the screen.  I reached my hand out, and in my mind, I felt the rainbow against my fingertips.