Respect + Ownership + Communication = Influence

 The difference between toddlers and teens is that, whereas you can control a toddler, you can only hope to influence a teen.  The ability to buckle my daughter into a stroller when she misbehaved was lost long before she became a teenager.  This is why, for those of  you who still have young children, it is important to know that you start raising your teenager the day you become a parent, not when they turn 13. 

There are three requirements that must be in place in order for a parent to have “influence” over their teen.  First, you need to have their respect.  Respect is earned through consistent and fair actions and reactions over a long period of time.  The second is ownership.  You need to take ownership of your part when a problem surfaces. (There are problems that surface that you have no ownership over.  When they occur, you have very little, if any, influence over changing the situation.) This does not mean that the problem is your fault, it means taking responsibility for the part of the problem that you CAN change, because the only person that YOU can control is yourself.  Finally, communication is also an essential ingredient in gaining influence over your teenager’s decisions.  There are no perfect parents, we all make mistakes, and when we do make mistakes with our children, we need to sit down and talk to them and let them know we are sorry and that we will take the steps necessary to make things right.  This teaches them to take responsibility for their own mistakes and to, likewise, do the work that is necessary to make things right. 

As a parent, we need to be willing and able to put our own egos aside so that we can recognize our role in the problem; because only then, can we have an impact on changing the situation.  Respect cannot be demanded, it must be earned.  Furthermore, love should not be confused with respect.  Your child can love you and know that they are loved by you, without respecting you or feeling that you respect them.